Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.

Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.

Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.

If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.

It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?

America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.