Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.

I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!

We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.

If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.

It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?

Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.

In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.