Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.

Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'

We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.

Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.

We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.