That's why you have to like a guy like Charles Manson. Say what you will about Manson - he's one of the only people with the decency to look like a dangerous maniac the first time you meet him.

I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.

Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.

America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!

There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.

We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.