In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.

Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke!

Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?

Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.

We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.