In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.

Never fry bacon when you're naked.

Married or Single? There is no good choice. It's like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'?

Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'

To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is... zero.

Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.