Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.

Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.

Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.

If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.

We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.

You know what the average person is? Average.

I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.