Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.

Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.

We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.

Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.

I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!

To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is... zero.