Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.

In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

I'm catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it's a bird!

Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.

You know what the average person is? Average.