Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

Never fry bacon when you're naked.

Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.

The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.