Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!

You know what the average person is? Average.

It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.