Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire'and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.

It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?

We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.

To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is... zero.