If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.

In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.

I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!