If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.

Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.

You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'

In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.

Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!

If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.