Married or Single? There is no good choice. It's like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'?

It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?

Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'

We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.

America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!