We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.

The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.

It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?

Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.