In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire'and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.

There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.