In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire'and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is... zero.

The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?

If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.