In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.

Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.