Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.

If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.

When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case; ten people see him it's a cult; ten million people see him it's a respected religion.

There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.

That's why you have to like a guy like Charles Manson. Say what you will about Manson - he's one of the only people with the decency to look like a dangerous maniac the first time you meet him.