Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.

Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.

Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.

It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!