Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.

There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.

Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!

We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.