Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.

In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.

If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.

To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is... zero.

Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.