Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.

Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.

We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.

Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.

Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.

In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.

There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.