There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.

The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!

To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is... zero.

Choosing to have a child you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it's everyone else's problem.

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.