There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.

There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.

If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire'and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.

To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is... zero.

Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.