If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

Choosing to have a child you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it's everyone else's problem.

It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire'and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'

In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.