If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

You know what the average person is? Average.

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire'and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'

Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.

It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!

In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.