If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

Choosing to have a child you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it's everyone else's problem.

I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!

It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.

Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!