Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire'and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.

You know what the average person is? Average.

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.