Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.

Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'

In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

Married or Single? There is no good choice. It's like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'?

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'

Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.