Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'

We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

Choosing to have a child you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it's everyone else's problem.

I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!

Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.