The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire'and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'

The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

Married or Single? There is no good choice. It's like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'?

There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.

Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.

In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.

Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.