The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire'and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'

Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.

Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.

Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.

America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!

Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.

Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.