I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.

Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke!

The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.