I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.

It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.

Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke!

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.