I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.

If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.

Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.

Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'

If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.

Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?