I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke!

There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.

Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.

There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.

We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.