You know what the average person is? Average.

Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.

Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.

Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'

Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.

In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?