When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case; ten people see him it's a cult; ten million people see him it's a respected religion.

Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.

Choosing to have a child you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it's everyone else's problem.

We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.

Never fry bacon when you're naked.

There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.

It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?