The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.

I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!

When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case; ten people see him it's a cult; ten million people see him it's a respected religion.

Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.

If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.

That's why you have to like a guy like Charles Manson. Say what you will about Manson - he's one of the only people with the decency to look like a dangerous maniac the first time you meet him.