The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is... zero.

The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.

Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.

It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?