The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.

It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?

You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?

Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'

America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.