The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.

Never fry bacon when you're naked.

I'm catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it's a bird!

If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.