In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.

Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!

You know what the average person is? Average.

There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.

In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.