In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

That's why you have to like a guy like Charles Manson. Say what you will about Manson - he's one of the only people with the decency to look like a dangerous maniac the first time you meet him.

Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.

You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?

Never fry bacon when you're naked.