In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.

Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.

It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?