In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.

I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.

There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.

You know what the average person is? Average.

It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.