Never fry bacon when you're naked.

Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.

Never fry bacon when you're naked.

We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.

If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.

Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.