Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.

We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.

Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.

It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?

We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.