Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.

If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire'and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'

Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.

Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.

Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.