Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.

To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is... zero.

If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.

Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.

Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.

Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.

America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!