Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.

You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?

In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!

Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.