Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'

The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!