Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

That's why you have to like a guy like Charles Manson. Say what you will about Manson - he's one of the only people with the decency to look like a dangerous maniac the first time you meet him.

To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is... zero.

Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.

There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.

We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.