I think, as a comedian, the funniest you can be is with people you know, and [whom] you've known for years, in a pub. That's as funny as you get, and so the aim [while stand-up] is to get that funny on stage with 5,000 strangers, to get that funny in a room where people shouldn't be listening but they are.

A world without any lies at all is not a good world, because it's artless and because there are no white lies, no flattery.

Of all the disciplines involved in making anything - TV, film or anything I do - the writing is the most valuable commodity.

Just looking at all the faces here reminds me of some of the great work that was done this year . . . by cosmetic surgeons.

Famous people are above the law.

You won't burn in hell. But be nice anyway.

A joke isn't yours. It's used and you don't know where it's been.