I was going with someone for a few years, but we broke up. It was one of those things. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

I'm not sure if my husband is going to be there when I actually have the baby. He said the only way he's going to be in the room when there's a delivery is if there's a pizza involved.

When men break up they want to remain friends. Why? Why can't they just get lost?

The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.