I'm not sure if my husband is going to be there when I actually have the baby. He said the only way he's going to be in the room when there's a delivery is if there's a pizza involved.

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.

I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.

Women are more accommodating. If a woman drinks the last glass of apple juice in the refrigerator, she'll make more apple juice. If a man drinks the last glass of apple juice, he'll just put back the empty container.

I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.