Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.

I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet where I have been doing the leg lifts.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.