I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

I loved my mother very much, but she was not a good cook. Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before. In our house Thanksgiving was a time for sorrow.

My mother was the worst cook ever. In school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing.