I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

There is a woman who swam around Manhattan, and I asked her, why? She said, it hadn't ever been done before. Well, she didn't have to do that. If she wanted to something no one had ever done before, all she had to do was vacuum my apartment.

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21.

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don't understand them, and they don't want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.