Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.

Natural childbirth scares me. I think before you have natural childbirth you should find out how big the baby is. Three pounds -- natural childbirth. Anything over three pounds -- heroin.

Los Angeles is a very transient town. It's the only place I know where you can actually rent a dog.

Blondes have more fun, don't they? They must. How many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21.

Men who write love letters don't live in this century.