Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

My mother was the worst cook ever. In school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing.

I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him

I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.