Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"

I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.