Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo.

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

When I want to end a relationship I just say, 'You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.' Sometimes they leave skid marks.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.

My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?