I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?

I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

Los Angeles is a very transient town. It's the only place I know where you can actually rent a dog.

If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it's just right, they're watching TV.