Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings.

I have a hold limit that I've set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen

When men break up they want to remain friends. Why? Why can't they just get lost?

When I want to end a relationship I just say, 'You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.' Sometimes they leave skid marks.

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.