Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

My Vegas act is how I make my money.

Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it's just right, they're watching TV.

Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying

I'm going to start water skiing someday...as soon as I can separate it from being dragged by a boat.

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.