I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.

I'll never understand why people go to movie theaters to have conversations. Going to the movies to talk is like going to a restaurant to cook. The idea is that you have paid your money to have someone do something better than you can do it yourself.

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.