If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me.

I loved my mother very much, but she was not a good cook. Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before. In our house Thanksgiving was a time for sorrow.

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.

... life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything works; gradually you find out how everything works; technology evolves and slowly there are a few things you can't work; at the end, you don't know how anything works.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.