I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.

I adore being hitched. It's so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life.

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.