I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.

I can see close up and my husband can see far away, so we're covered. He tells me who's in the movie and I tell him what's in his sandwich. Together we're human bifocals.

Men don't mature. Marry a younger one.

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.

Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror.

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.