It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.

Thirty, I really like you but I still have to see other people.

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.

I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

Los Angeles is a very transient town. It's the only place I know where you can actually rent a dog.

You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.