It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.

I hate learning through experience. Just once I'd like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance.

There is a woman who swam around Manhattan, and I asked her, why? She said, it hadn't ever been done before. Well, she didn't have to do that. If she wanted to something no one had ever done before, all she had to do was vacuum my apartment.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

One of my first office jobs was cleaning the windows on brown envelopes.

Thirty, I really like you but I still have to see other people.