I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.

At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don't count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I'm going to be quite young.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn't have to.

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.'

My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take