The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.

Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do. I'd knock on people's doors and go, "Trick or treat."

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen

Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings.

I'm not sure if my husband is going to be there when I actually have the baby. He said the only way he's going to be in the room when there's a delivery is if there's a pizza involved.

I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.