Women are more accommodating. If a woman drinks the last glass of apple juice in the refrigerator, she'll make more apple juice. If a man drinks the last glass of apple juice, he'll just put back the empty container.

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.