I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they're married to.

Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do. I'd knock on people's doors and go, "Trick or treat."

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.