I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

Oh, my God. I've just told you how old I am. Nobody knows how old I am. I'm going to have to kill you now.

I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21.

I'm not sure if my husband is going to be there when I actually have the baby. He said the only way he's going to be in the room when there's a delivery is if there's a pizza involved.