I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21.

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

Women are more accommodating. If a woman drinks the last glass of apple juice in the refrigerator, she'll make more apple juice. If a man drinks the last glass of apple juice, he'll just put back the empty container.

Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.