Oh, my God. I've just told you how old I am. Nobody knows how old I am. I'm going to have to kill you now.

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".

I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money!

At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don't count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I'm going to be quite young.

I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.

Oh, my God. I've just told you how old I am. Nobody knows how old I am. I'm going to have to kill you now.

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"