I like whomever to come to my shows. I want people who want to see me to come see me. I don't want to force people. I don't want it to feel like a job!

Women are more accommodating. If a woman drinks the last glass of apple juice in the refrigerator, she'll make more apple juice. If a man drinks the last glass of apple juice, he'll just put back the empty container.

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".

My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren't home.

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.