Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"

My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take

I hate learning through experience. Just once I'd like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance.

Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?

The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.