Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.

I loved my mother very much, but she was not a good cook. Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before. In our house Thanksgiving was a time for sorrow.

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.