Blondes have more fun, don't they? They must. How many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

I like whomever to come to my shows. I want people who want to see me to come see me. I don't want to force people. I don't want it to feel like a job!

I have a hold limit that I've set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup.

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him