I paid attention to not being a comedian, and just concentrated on being who I was. That is what you have to do. If you say you are a comedian that has been done before. If you just be who you are then you are unique. Everyone is unique.

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

One of my first office jobs was cleaning the windows on brown envelopes.

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

I have a hold limit that I've set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup.

My Vegas act is how I make my money.

The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.