If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they're married to.

Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it's just right, they're watching TV.

Women are more accommodating. If a woman drinks the last glass of apple juice in the refrigerator, she'll make more apple juice. If a man drinks the last glass of apple juice, he'll just put back the empty container.

I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21.

If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.