If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

I'm going to start water skiing someday...as soon as I can separate it from being dragged by a boat.

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

Cats are a waste of fur.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.

I adore being hitched. It's so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life.