My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

Cats are a waste of fur.

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.

One of my first office jobs was cleaning the windows on brown envelopes.

I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

Women are more accommodating. If a woman drinks the last glass of apple juice in the refrigerator, she'll make more apple juice. If a man drinks the last glass of apple juice, he'll just put back the empty container.