My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don't count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I'm going to be quite young.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.