At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don't count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I'm going to be quite young.

I have a hold limit that I've set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings.

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.