At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don't count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I'm going to be quite young.

If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they're married to.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

Commitment is different in males and females. In females it is a desire to get married and raise a family. In males it means not picking up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.