At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don't count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I'm going to be quite young.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.

Thirty, I really like you but I still have to see other people.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.